Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
I want you for no raisin.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
This foundation is rock salad.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Long time no sea.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!