Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.

I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.

“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.

My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

I find my core strength in you.

What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.

Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy

"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"

What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."

I love your energy.

I need to take this picture for my instayam

"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry

Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.

How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.

Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”