Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.

At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.

He’s my pinch charming.

This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!

Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."

- Chisty Lowe

If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet

What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.

What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”

“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”

- Robert Brault.

Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw

Let’s make like a banana and split.

Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!

Dad: This is just making me upsettings!

On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!

What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?

Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.

I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein

What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?

Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.

"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."

- John Mayer, 'Who Says'

Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.

Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.

If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.

Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together

You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.

Bad spelling makes me sic.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !

Are you undressing me with your eyes?!

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.