I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.