A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Girl you are rocking this run.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."