When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I'd love to see you s'more.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.