Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Icy what you did there!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?