You're hotter than a data center!

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.

What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”

What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.

What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.

Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.

What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!

The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.

Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.

What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.

Take a page from the book and leaf.

I love you meow and forever.

My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.

What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!

Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.

“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels

Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.

My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.

Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.

I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.

There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.

What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.

What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.

The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.