What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!

Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?

Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien

Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.

When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.

Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.

What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.

Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.

What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.

What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.

Kicking Baby Considered Healthy

I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"

My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.

If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles

I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.

Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)

Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.

“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.

"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent

Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.

German Wi-Fi is the WURST.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”

- William Galvin.

What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!

You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.

What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran

"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.

What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!