What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Hey, are you okay-leb?
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken