What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.

“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey

What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.

Orange you excited for Halloween?

I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.

I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!

What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.

What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!

A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.

No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".

What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.

Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.

Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.

Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.

Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.

Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.

Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.

I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!

What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.

What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.

“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers

How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.

Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny

Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.

Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.

Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.

You're as hot as a desert summer.

My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it

What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.

Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.