What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
You are my raisin to smile.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
He threw three free throws.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I scored when I met you.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!