Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.