"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!