Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.