TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.

Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.

When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!

Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced

What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.

What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!

What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry

Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?

Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.

What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.

“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.

The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.

Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.

Your good seed for the day.

What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.

Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key

Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey

During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.

Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.

"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson

"I would hop to the end of the world for you."

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.

How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.

Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.

“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay

Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant

What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!

I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."

Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”