The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
I like long runs on the beach.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.