Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.