There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
I hope for world peas.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I only have ice for you.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.