Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
That look soots you.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.