How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
I beacha miss summer already!
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.