What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I less than three you.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!