The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.

Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?

Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.

What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.

What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!

- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.

“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”

Birch, please.

“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker

Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!

Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.

There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.

Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

You look a lot like my next victim.

Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.

Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres

What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.

I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.

I want you for no raisin.

When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!

Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.

What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.

I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.

Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.

The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?

Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.

Chrome wasn't built in a day.

The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.

What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.

What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.

Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”

I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.

What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!

How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.