My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
You have one compact set.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.