How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.

What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!

“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”

When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.

What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.

Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.

I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

Can I Alp you?

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!

The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.

Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers

Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!

“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”

Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.

What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown

What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!

Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.

I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.

What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.

The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"