What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time