My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
After all is sled and done.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
You're just my cup of tea!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Beach you to it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!