Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny