How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
I “lub” you.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Icy what you did there.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
It’s a winterful day!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.