If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
I'm fondue you, it's true
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Love me till ice cream.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”