One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck

"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque

What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”

What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!

Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.

Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!

You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.

My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.

Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie

You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.

"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley

What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.

What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date

People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.

“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber

Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"

Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”

- Anthony Anderson

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

I think you’re pretty Stella-r

Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.

“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”

Anything is popsicle during summer!

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing