The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
You are one well-defined function!
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Werewolves love their fast food.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.