Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov