“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing

When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.

They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.

What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!

What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.

Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous

What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.

What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw

I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick

“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer

"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown

How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.

I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.

A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.

The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.

Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.

Thin grippy thick slippery.

What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!

Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.

What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.

Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.

Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.

What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.

What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.