What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

I now believe in Angels.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!

Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.

A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.

"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler

Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.

I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.

"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt

My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!

What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.

What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.

What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.

He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."

What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson

"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.

I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.

We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!