Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
"You can't beat me."
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns