The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
"Bugs and hisses."
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Do you comma here often?
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.