What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Yoda one for me!
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock