If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Green glass globes glow greenly.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Dublin over in laughter.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.