Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Live to tell the tail.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Let's boomerbang!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina