Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.