You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.

What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!

What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.

What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.

Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good

A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.

There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes

Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”

I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.

Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.

Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.

What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.

Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.

Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!

What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.

What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams

What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.

What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.

“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown

What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers

What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."