"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.