People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Scarecrows always garden their patch.