Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
There’s no trick in these pants.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.