I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Say it ain’t snow.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
I can turn your software into hardware.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.