Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
I find my core strength in you.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
We make a great pear
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
We’ll have a ball.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.