My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
I fence-y you.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I think we're mint to be!
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.