You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.