Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Go big or go gnome.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Can you drive my car?
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.