“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!

Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.

What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!

I would give anything to be your personal item.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!

What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.

They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

I only have ice for you.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead

My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."

What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.

why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.

"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.

I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"

Air resistance is a real drag.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business

Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.

What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”

How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.

Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.

What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.

Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.

Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?

Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller

I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?

You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.

Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green

Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.

Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!