What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.