When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I think you're barbe-cute.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.